i’m a hypocrite.
i like to talk about embracing imperfection and how imperfections are the things that make people interesting and authentic. this is something that i genuninely believe, as long as i’m talking about other people. i have trouble accepting my own imperfections, and it’s even more difficult to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable, even with those that i love most. sometimes, especially with those i love most. i have this idea that vulnerablilty is supposed to be a thing that brings people together, but instead, for me, it has nearly always functioned as a thing that makes people decide that i am “too much” and they can’t deal with me. and then they leave, and i feel lost and heartbroken.
so my solution to this problem was to bottle up all my vulnerability and learn to present a pretty carefully controlled facade of someone who pretty much had it all together. it worked, sort of. it fooled people. eventually, it fooled me, too. and then i fell in love, and my solution didn’t work anymore. i mean, i continued to present a carefully put together facade to the world, and it kept me protected, but it also kept me from real emotional intimacy. a few days ago, i came to the uncomfortable realization that the man i believe may be the love of my life doesn’t really know me. i never really let my walls come down because i was afraid of losing him. i’ve probably lost him anyway, but that’s a different story.
discovering that he doesn’t really know me set in motion a chain of events that led to a landslide of vulnerability. last night, in the middle of a discussion, i was tempted to respond to something he said with, ‘go fuck yourself.’ but what came out instead was, ‘why haven’t i ever been good enough for you?’ and suddenly it felt like a dam had broken, and fears and anxieties and shame came pouring out. at this point it feels a bit like throwing stones into the ocean, in terms of how much difference it’s going to make, and it’s messy and scary, and i feel like i’m having a breakdown, but i am finally being vulnerable.